Week 3 Rant: Queen City Cat Fight

GAME 3 DRUNKEN RANT
Cincinnati Bengals (2-0) @ Carolina Panthers (2-0)

CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.

/start rant

I’m back! Stumbling out of the bar and into your hearts to bring you the unfiltered, knee-jerk reactions to whatever the hell it is our boys in black and orange are doing.

Speaking of which, the fuck was that yesterday?

Somewhere, right now, John Ross is quitting on a route.

I sure am glad Dre Kirkpatrick carried a ball around all week. Don’t have to worry about dropping picks when you’re five goddamn yards behind Devin fuckin’ Funchess. That’s next level thinkin’, Dre. That’s fucking 4D chess.

Turnover differential is the key stat to any football game and we hung up a -4.

Four picks, Andy? You shittin’ me? I’ll forgive the last, Hail Mary heave, but for fuck’s sake man, lead your receivers and stop drilling balls into the heads of defensive backs.

Remember the Andy in Week 1 at Indy, who was fired up and yelling at teammates and shit? Give me that guy, please. I swear to God, if I have to look at his ‘gosh darn it’ face again, I’m going to slap him around with Bobby Hart’s tits.

Feel that breeze? That was Tyler Kroft whiffing on a chip block.

As God as my witness, I didn’t know white guys could be running backs. I thought they stopped making those with Mike Alstott. Christian McCaffrey had one hundred and eighty-four American rules football rushing yards. Get the fuck outa here with that.

I thought our defensive line was supposed to be good? They leave the pass rush on the plane, or was it carted off the field on the goddamn gator? Can’t wait to see the injury report.

You’re still allowed to tackle in the NFL, right? Somebody notify our secondary. You miss Vontaze Burfict, yet? Christ on a cracker, wrap up, boys. That advice works on multiple levels. C.J. Anderson ran the slowest 24 yards in human history, yet we still couldn’t tackle him. Amazing. You could’ve timed that play with a fucking calendar.

Put down the jelly donut, Fat Randy, I haven’t forgotten about your candy ass. I swear that man sweats maple syrup. Take a shot of insulin and make your fucking kicks.

Shaquem Griffin gets more hands on Cam Newton than we do.

Cam, you don’t have to taunt us, man. You can’t say anything to them that we haven’t already screamed at the TV, I promise. Up until that penalty, the Panthers had 2 penalties against them for 2 total fucking yards. Home cookin’.

I guess I can’t just shit on the whole team. Carlos Dunlap was good. That’s ‘bout it.

Despite all the garbage that went down, we were still in that game up until the very end. It’s a game they could have won, maybe should have won. Regardless, we’re on to Atlanta.

Who Dey.

Tiger. Fuckin’. Woods.