GAME 4 DRUNKEN RANT
Cincinnati Bengals (2-1) @ Atlanta Falcons (1-2)
CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.
Jesus Christ, I don’t know if I’ve ever drank so hard for a win before.
Alright, let’s get the negative shit out of the way so we can soak in this win!
/ˈtak(ə)l/ verb (American football): stop the forward progress of (the ball carrier) by seizing them and knocking them to the ground.
Seems pretty clear to me.
This is quickly becoming an issue. Yeah, I know we’re 3-1, but our inability to get off the fucking field on third down is a glaring problem that can’t be ignored. I swear I thought I saw Bamm-Bamm fucking Chuck Bresnahn on the sideline. Preston Brown led the league in tackles last year, right? How is it, on God’s Green Fuck that he’s unable to even lead this team in tackles!? Nick Vigil is still picking the turf out of his teeth after getting his face dragged around all day and he still managed two more tackles than Brown.
Falcons were 11 for 15 on third down conversions. Come on.
Special Teams has historically been a solid phase of the Bengals’ game, but that blocked punt was a fucking disaster. How does a defender come flying in, completely unblocked!?
Field position, boys.
Tyler Eifert. Is there a more unlucky guy in the NFL? It’s not fall until pumpkin spice bullshit comes out and Tyler Eifert suffers a season-ending injury. I’ve drank most of my fucking feelings away, but I still manage to dig deep and feel bad for this dude. Brutal. If you didn’t see the play, don’t, unless you really want a reminder of what your last meal looked like. Woof.
Alright, let’s talk about the good shit.
Adriel Jeremiah DREAM!
Bawww God, what a thing of beauty! I don’t know about you, but I felt like they were going to score on that final drive.
I could feel it in my liver. Still do!
This offense was humming on Sunday. I had no idea that the “T” in Tyler Boyd stood for “T.J. Houshmandzadeh”. Weird, I know. T.J.Houshmandzadehyler Boyd. Rolls right off the tongue. A.J. Green keeps doing A.J. Green things, Gio was rolling and hell, Mark Walton even came into the game to smash the fuckin’ B button.
I have to give some credit to the defense, at least the guys up front. The pass rush that allowed Cam Newton to enjoy tea and fucking cookies all day last week, made Matt Ryan look more uncomfortable than Matt Ryan at a rap concert. The guys we expect to disrupt the opposing offensive line went about disrupting to the tune of 3 sacks, 5 tackles for loss and 8 QB hits. Geno, Dunlap, Lawson, take a bow gentlemen.
I guess we need to throw some love toward our Ginger Jesus, though he did, again, lace one off his wide receiver and into the waiting arms of a defensive back. Tap the brakes on some of those throws, bud. Take a little mustard off that dog. Still, that may have been the best Dalton performance I’ve seen. Dude looked poised, in command and fuckin’ confident.
Engineered a touchdown drive in the waning second of the game that included two fourth down conversions and capped with a curl route and the welcoming bosom of A.J. Green. Ballgame. Bengals. I could watch this shit on loop for days.
Next week we welcome in the Miami Dolphins who were reminded by the New England Patriots, that the AFC East still belongs to Boston. Let’s take care of business, then we can look ahead to They-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named the week after.
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