Week 8 Rant: Almost Bungled The Bucs

GAME 8 DRUNKEN RANT
Cincinnati Bengals (4-3) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-3)

CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.

/start rant

Boo Dey!

It’s been a shit-nado of emotion since 1pm Sunday afternoon, so let’s revisit this four-day forecast of fuckery.

The forecast is calling for a sober bye-week-Sunday. lol, jk.

First, we had the game. The Tale of Two Shitties.

Yes, the Bengals won the game, but did you feel better about this team afterward? I sure didn’t, at least not after that shit show of a second half. Initially it looked like the Bengals really took that Sunday Night shellacking to heart; they had their “players only” meeting, said all the “right things” throughout the week and for two quarters, it truly looked like they weren’t even going to give Tampa Bay the courtesy of a reach around.

Unfortunately for the Bengals, though, NFL games consist of four 15 minute quarters. Five of their six second half possessions ended in a fucking punt, after scoring four touchdowns on six in the first.

The offense managed E-L-E-V-E-N goddamn yards in the third quarter and didn’t manage a fucking first down until 4:22 left in the fourth quarter.

What the hell happened!? How does this team consistently manage to come out flat at the half? Perhaps it’s because the head coach doesn’t believe in half time adjustments.

Seriously.

Thank god for Jameis Winston. If Fitz starts that game, we lose it. No doubt.

I miss you, Mike Zimmer. Our defense used to be a point of pride and was often the only reason we were in games. I don’t even know what to think about this piss-poor, flat-footed, wrong-end-of-the-highlight-reel machine.

The Bengals are on pace to break the NFL record for most yards allowed in a season.

The current record is 7,042 yards allowed by the Saints in 2012.

Bengals defense is on pace to allow 7,164. pic.twitter.com/P8Nf7gfoVG

— Cincinnati ? (@CincyProblems) October 29, 2018

The numbers don’t lie, this defense is on pace to give up the most yards in NFL history. Fuckin’ yikes. How do you fix this? Clearly they think that the answers are already on this staff, since they sat and watched the rest of the league participate at the trade deadline.

Oh, by the way, this staff no longer includes Carl Lawson, who racked up the team’s fifth ACL tear of the season. Fuckin’ five. Rod Taylor, Trayvon Henderson, Ryan Glasgow, Mason Schreck and now Carl Lawson. They’ve had a total of six players go down with ACL tears in the last FIVE FUCKING YEARS COMBINED.

How do you not make a move at the trade deadline? Do we really think that practice squad guys are going to come up and fill these roles? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want them to make a trade for the sake of making a trade, but I have to believe that there’s somebody out there that can play linebacker better than Hardy Nickerson. Hell, it could be a weekly drunken blogger.

Call me!

Hue Jackson and Paul Alexander find themselves without jobs this week. Unfortunately, that’s the closest thing to “news” for the Bengals at the deadline. I called out Paul Alexander in one of my rants last season, come on editor guy, dig it up and link it!

Fuckin’ Drunken Nostra-dumbass over here.

So, here we are, 5-3 at the turn, second place in the division and holding on to a Wild Card spot in the AFC. The Bengals control their own destiny.

If they can take care of business against the Browns, Raiders and Broncos; they could find themselves in the playoffs.

If they manage to steal one against the Saints, Chargers, Ravens or Steelers, they could end up atop this division.

Usually half a season would be a big enough sample size to know what your team is, but I still have no fuckin’ clue what they’re going to do week in and week out.

I do know one thing, though, they can’t lose this week!

Bye bye bye!