Week 1 Rant: What The F*CK Was That?

Bengals vs Ravens – Game 1 Rant

CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.

/start rant

Abysmal.

It’s a sobering Monday morning — and while I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about what happened yesterday, there’s one prevailing feeling that I keep coming back to: I hate you, Cincinnati Bengals. I f*cking hate you.

I hate that I had to sit in a sparsely occupied stadium and watch you sh*t the bed and squander opportunities time and time again. I hate that Bengals greats such as Kenny Anderson, Lamar Parrish and Isaac Curtis had to witness this in person. I hate that you have the ability to ruin a beautiful Sunday afternoon for me. I hate the fact that you ignored glaring needs along the offensive line this offseason. I hate that I had to spend eight bucks a beer to try, in vain, to drown the rage, disbelief and helplessness I felt as I watched Cedric Ogbuehi get absolutely abused by a nearly 35 year old Terrell Suggs. What I hate above all, though, is that I love you Cincinnati Bengals, and I’m going to keep crawling back each week with rekindled hope.

What can I say about yesterday’s game that you haven’t already thought or said? What a disaster. What a f*cking sham. Did you watch the Browns and Steelers yesterday? Are we going to win a game in the AFC North this year? Eternally-optimistic ‘me’ had the Bengals going 9-7 this year, 4-1 into the bye. I had this inked in as a win. There’s no way they’d lose to a broken-backed Joe Flacco and his supporting cast of…Jeremy Maclin and…nobody f*cking else, right? Wrong, asshole! Remember which team you’re a fan of!?

Ugh.

I can’t place too much blame on the defense, they were often playing on a short field since Andy didn’t seem interested in putting the ball into the hands of guys wearing the same uniform as he. Of course I can’t blame Andy as much as I blame the dumpster fire he plays behind. Jesus H. tap-dancing Christ, where do I start? Where does it end, for that matter!? It’s an endless loop of sh*t. A continuous coil of morning-after-a-day-of-drinking sh*t.

The offensive play calling made little to no sense, I have all but lost faith in Ken Zampese. The execution didn’t exist. Not one player on that damn field seemed as interested in winning as I did. As YOU did. We waited every f*cking second of the 216 day offseason for this? My God.

We have 3 days to fix this before the Texans come to town and eat our lunch and burn our villages. Know what’s pathetic? Between this very moment and 8:25pm ET on Thursday night I’m going to convince myself that they’ll figure it out. You will too. Maybe you already have! What the f*ck is wrong with us? Surely there’s a better way to spend our time, money and emotional energy, right? Nah, f*ck that. We live for football season, even the sh*tty ones, so put whatever you need to into your Kool-Aid and tip that sh*t back!