Week 1 Rant: Bengaling On Through Unprecedented Times

Weekly Post-Game Drunken Thoughts about the Bengals.

AP Photo

Cincinnati Bengals (0-0) vs Los Angeles Chargers (0-0)


/start rant

2020 has been a year unlike any other. It seems like everything has changed. The way we work, the way we live, the way we communicate; no part of our lives feels safe from change.

In these unprecedented times (are you sick of hearing that, yet?), it’s nice when a bit of normalcy crops up. Having a beer at your favorite watering hole, getting a haircut or even just having a conversation with someone that doesn’t require a login; the warm embrace of familiarity is welcome more now than ever.

With that in mind, I’d like to extend a ‘thank you’ and a middle finger to Bobby Hart, for reminding us all that in a year filled with change, he’s still the two-ton-turnstyle we’ve come to know and love.

I swear to GOD if you let that sweet baby angel get hurt I will tie your tits in a bow and ship you straight to Siberia.

Are you fucking serious? You have the future of your franchise out there running for his life, while his right tackle is getting two scoops of Bosa-balls dragged across his face. Is there nobody else in that locker room that’s any better than that!? What about the equipment room? A tackling dummy? Water cooler? A couple of googly eyes slapped on a porta-potty?

I sure hope Jim Turner likes Bobby-Hart-ass, because he’ll be chewing on it all week.

I heard he also lifted the seat on the toilet to check on Fat Randy. What a guy.

The stage was perfectly set. Burrow engineered a 3 minute, 69 yard drive and the Bengals were a chip shot field goal away from overtime. Hopes were up, drinks were going down. The gate of the pigpen flew open and Fat Randy, in all of his sticky, honey-glazed glory, trotted out to save the day.

The crowd was silent.

He was ready.

ICEE syrup in his veins.

This was his moment.

The snap.

The hold.


He knew immediately. He grabbed his right calf.

Then he grabbed his left. The pain had him surrounded on all sides. That didn’t break Fat Randy, though. No.

Yeah, you can kick fucking rocks. Do you know what you could have done to be there for your team?

Make that field goal.

Instead, you missed it horribly and tried to justify it with…this?

That’s weaksauce, Randy, and I’d venture a guess that you know a thing or two about sauce.


There’s optimism. I know his stats weren’t gaudy, but there were a lot of things to like about Joe Burrow’s performance. He clearly has the respect of his teammates and isn’t afraid to call his own shots. Speaking of shots, it’s about time for happy hour.

Mask up. Drink up. Get down.

I’ll see you Thursday – WHO DEY!

/end rant

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Written by Andrew Allen

If you enjoy the Drunken Rants, you might enjoy our podcast, too!  Check us out at www.angrysportsguys.com! 

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