POST-GAME DRUNKEN RANT
Cincinnati Bengals (0-7) vs Los Angeles Rams (4-3)
CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.
/start London rant
The Cincinnati Bengals are on the clock.
No, I’m not talking about the draft, I’m talking about the NFL trade deadline. The Bengals have until 4pm tomorrow to prove to me that they are serious about winning — and to retain my fandom.
It’s not encouraging when Paul Dehner stated that the ‘Bengals don’t feel it’s their job to make other teams better’, concerning their stance on a trade. Fine, make yourselves better by trading away assets that you don’t control beyond this year – since we’re clearly not going anywhere.
Do something, fuckin’ ANYTHING! There’s going to be a ticket office that gets a phone call from me at 4pm tomorrow, one way or another.
So, about the game, the Bengals traveled to London and got their bloody bangers mashed in a ho-hum, run-of-the-mill beatdown that we’ve become all too familiar with. I believe we’re now the property of the crown; I’m not entirely sure if that’s how these London games work, but it feels right – or should I say, rroooooiiiiiiight.
Oi, I fancy a drink.
Do I really need to dive into the game? It’s the same shit it’s been all year; the offense couldn’t score and the defense couldn’t stop anybody, especially if that somebody is named Cooper Kupp. That’s not to say the game wasn’t entertaining, because there were some statistical fuckin’ unicorns that came out of that contest.
For example, according to Pro Football Focus, Billy Price scored a 1.6 in pass blocking.
One. Point. Six.
That’s out of 100, if you were curious.
And I’m sure you’ve seen this tweet, but if you haven’t, Andy Dalton continues to set records:
Andy Dalton is the first QB in NFL History to start seasons with both 8-0 AND 0-8. pic.twitter.com/yK6LmSNGhL
— Cincinnati ? (@CincyProblems) October 27, 2019
The announced attendance for that game was 83,720. I don’t think the Bengals will hit that number with their combined remaining home games. Seriously. I don’t mean the bullshit attendance that accounts for ticket sales; I’m talking asses in the seats. No way. What kind of sick fuck wants to witness that in person? That the kind of shit you’re into?
The Bengals have become torture porn.
So, here we are, twenty-seven and a half hours away from the deadline. Now’s the time, Bengals.
You’re on the clock.
/end London rant
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