POST-GAME DRUNKEN RANT
Cincinnati Bengals (0-infinity) vs Baltimore Ravens
CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.
How many more weeks do I have to do this shit?
Can we just call it, now?
Let’s just skip the rest of the season and hibernate until the draft.
Does anyone really give a cat’s ass about what they do in the remaining 7 games; aside from that guy living on the roof of his restaurant? Speaking of, it’s a helluva publicity stunt, but I honestly can’t tell you what the name of his restaurant is. I’m going to just tell myself that it’s Skyline Chili, so I can continue to eat Skyline and tell myself I’m supporting this dude.
Get out of here with your Gold Star love, get right the fuck out. Gross. You should be ashamed of yourself. Your parents are. They told me.
So, let’s get caught up…
Andy Dalton got benched and it was handled in the most Bengal-way possible.
BREAKING: #Bengals are benching Andy Dalton, per NFL Network. Rookie Ryan Finley will start at QB after the bye.
Today is Andy Dalton's birthday. pic.twitter.com/pAQ9ZbfDYP
— Cincinnati 💔 (@CincyProblems) October 29, 2019
Could’ve given the guy the opportunity to find a trade partner and play somewhere else, but that’s just too fuckin’ smart, isn’t it? Instead, you unceremoniously parked him on the pine just hours before the trade deadline.
Oh, what’s the ‘trade deadline’, you ask? Well, pull up an ice block and lend an ear.
It’s that one time a year during the NFL season, where you can make your team better immediately or for the future, by evaluating and trading assets that may no longer fit your plans, for players that do or for draft picks.
Now, I’m sure *you*, dearest reader, know what that is, but I truly wonder if the Brown Family does. While we were back here, furiously refreshing our Twitter feeds hoping and praying for the Bengals to do ANYTHING; the Brown Family was in Switzerland enjoying a ski trip and probably complaining about the complimentary hot chocolate.
That’s right. During the most important transactional period of the NFL regular season, the Bengals’ brass was bombing down Fuck You Mountain, slaloming around your hopes and stomping the landing on your dreams.
Yes, I had to Google ‘ski slang’. No, my 3pm Grand Marnier coffee and I don’t care.
Then the Bengals lost to the Bye Week, and laughs were had to keep us from crying.
— Cincinnati 💔 (@CincyProblems) November 3, 2019
But seriously, they did. They’re going 0-17.
So we’re caught up, and that brings us to Sunday.
Given two weeks to prepare for Lamar Jackson and the Baltimore Ravens, the Bengals barely managed to avoid the worst loss in franchise history; which is saying a lot, since they have a rich history of bed-shitting and bull-fuckery.
The Bengals had zero answers for anything the Ravens brought, especially that man under center. A wave of surprise pregnancies swept over the seven hills of Cincinnati when Jackson spun around Nick Vigil, into the end-zone, to the sideline and slapped on them shades.
Lamar Jackson this good or Bengals this bad?? 🤯pic.twitter.com/Dw5a6q3nDg
— Cincinnati 💔 (@CincyProblems) November 10, 2019
Nick Vigil is whiter than scared milk.
And here we are, staring down the barrel of 7 more games like this.
Each more excruciating than the last.
We’re not going to see progress from anyone at this point and I really don’t know why I’ll even watch, but my liver knows that I will.
Look for more Drunken Bengals Post-game Rants All Season.
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