Week 7 Rant: Break Out The Brown Paper Bags

Weekly Post-Game Drunken Thoughts about the Bengals.

AP Photo

Cincinnati Bengals (0-6) vs Jacksonville Jaguars (2-4)


/start rant

What in the cinnamon toast FUCK is going on, here?

We are witnessing a display of futility that this organization hasn’t shown since the 90’s. Hell, this team could be worse. The Bengals are on pace to field the worst rushing attack since World War Fuckin’ Two.

Here’s an amazing stat I heard today; on Sunday, Andy Dalton threw for more interceptions (3) than Joe and Gio had in combined rushing yards (2).

You want some more of that shit?

How about this? Andy Dalton is second on this team in rushing and averages more yards per carry (3.9) than Joe Mixon (3.0).

Let that sink into your human skull.

I’m a bit too young to fully remember the majesty of Bengals bullfuckery in the 90’s, but Sunday I found myself doing something that I remember my dad doing in those days – laughing.

As Andy, falling backwards, lobbed the ball into the waiting arms of Yannick Ngakoue – who ran it back for a touchdown, sealing the game for Jacksonville – an unexpected and uncontrollable burst of laughter erupted from the booze-soaked-bottomless-pit, where my heart used to be.

It all made sense. I understood why people have abandoned this team. They’re not bad fans, they’re tired of buying a bad product. You’re not just bad, Cincinnati Bengals, you are laughable.

You are a joke.

I’m not mad, anymore. I’m not disappointed, anymore. I’m tired.

I’m sick and tired of your shit, Bengals. I’m tired of Mike Brown and his mock turtle soup. I’m tired of the front office. I’m tired of the lack of facilities and personnel needed to field a competent NFL team. I’m tired of the lack of aggression in the draft and free agency. I’m tired of signing the Bobby Harts of the world. I’m tired of getting excited every spring and summer, anxiously awaiting the arrival of football season, only to be disappointed. I’m tired of coming to this space every week and repeating the same shit.

I’m tired of being your fan, Cincinnati Bengals.

There’s a team up in Clifton that deserves my time and money. There’s an athletic director, program, coach and team that put a great product on the field – and off the field, they know how to engage, excite and expand their fan base. If you aren’t paying attention to the Cincinnati Bearcats, you should.

They deserve it.

As for you, Cincinnati Bengals, fuck off. You fuck right off. You fuck left off.

You fuck up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start – off.

I’ll see ya on Sunday.

/end rant

Look for more Drunken Bengals Post-game Rants All Season.

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Written by Andrew Allen

If you enjoy the Drunken Rants, you might enjoy our podcast, too!  Check us out at www.angrysportsguys.com! 

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