POST-GAME DRUNKEN RANT
Cincinnati Bengals (0-infinity) vs Oakland Raiders
CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.
Scientists say that the passage of time dramatically slows down around a black hole; well they never accounted for a shit show Bengals team playing a game in The Black Hole, then time fucking stands still. Choke on that Stephen Hawking, you robojerk. I’ll sit here and wait 6 months for you to bang out your comeback on your keytar, Wheelchair Wham!.
Oh wait. He’s dead.
Shit. So is Wham!.
Anyway, the Bengals did what the Bengals do – lose. 12 game losing streak. 337 days without a win. The first team mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. Another year without a playoff win; 29 and counting.
But hey, they scored their first rushing touchdown by a running back this year! The defense played well, too, and of course it was after I had picked up and started every Raider possible on my fantasy team.
Fuck you, Bengals, you can’t even lose right.
There’s not much to take away from that game. Ryan Finley sucks. John Jerry is backpedaling faster than pre-season-Me who took the over at 6.5 wins. Billy Price is a bust. Who the hell is playing linebacker? Why Bobby Hart? Just, WHY!?
Fuckkk this team.
Fuckkk the coaching staff.
Fuckkk the owner.
Oh, and did I just see a commercial for Bengals season tickets, featuring ‘highlights’ from this season!? Did it take you 10 weeks to throw together 30 seconds of highlights!? Do you really think any of us are going to cough up a fuckin’ dime for that sewn-together-sentient-ballsack named Mike Brown?
Shut the front door.
I can’t even look forward to the draft, anymore. Following LSU’s win at Alabama, I was shoveling fuckin’ coal into the #BungleForBurrow train, then I saw this:
oh no, Joe….. https://t.co/8X8uzBz3AO
— Cincinnati 💔 (@CincyProblems) November 14, 2019
Are you kidding me!?
You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the haters, not join them! Bring balance to the fan base, not leave it in snarkness!
Look for more Drunken Bengals Post-game Rants All Season.
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