Week 4 Rant: Monday Night Raw

Weekly Post-Game Drunken Thoughts about the Bengals.

AP Photo

Cincinnati Bengals (0-3) vs Pittsburgh Steelers (0-3)


/start rant

I can’t exactly pinpoint the moment when I realized I have a problem, perhaps it was late Monday night, standing shirtless, drunk and sweaty in the back yard, howling into the night sky. Regardless, the moment of clarity arrived; I’m in a toxic relationship…with the Cincinnati Bengals.


I actually convinced myself that the Bengals were going to win on Monday night. They were playing a quarterback making his second start for an oh-and-three Steelers team; ripe for the fucking picking.

This was going to be a statement win for Zac Taylor; on the road, in primetime and against our most hated rival. Everything was set up perfectly.

Until football happened.

I don’t know how many different ways, over the next 12 weeks, that I can tell you that the offensive line sucks, but that offensive line fucking suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. Not just regular suck, no, they suck to historical levels.

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Bengals O-Line breaking records! ?‍♂️

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Listen, I’ve ripped so many new assholes for Bobby Hart and Andre Smith that they could feature in some weird, Japanese, octopus tentacle porn but at this point it’s just sad. They were completely outmatched in a way you only see in college football, when a powerhouse school hosts The Holy Trinity Trucking School for Jesus.

I’ve heard the word “embarrassed” tossed around regarding the play of the O-line, but I don’t know if that’s the word I’d used. I’m concerned. The cavalry isn’t coming. The answer to this problem isn’t on the roster and you know good-and-fuckin’-well the Bengals aren’t going out and getting anybody this season.

This is the team we have and this is the team we’ll have for the rest of the year.

Buckle up, chuckle fucks.

There are absolutely zero positive takeaways from this game. Everybody played like complete dog shit. The Steelers, time and again, spread our defense out and beat us on the edge. Every. Fuckin’. Time. Rudolph the stump-dicked douchedeer had ONE incompletion in the first half.

ONE. Only four for the entire game! How is that even possible!?

Stop telling me that this defensive line is “elite”. Fuck that. They couldn’t get a single sack? Blitz EVERYBODY, do something. Anything! They generated no pressure and the Steelers dinked-and-dunked up and down the field; really reminded me of the way the Colts with Manning and Dallas Clark would do that to people.

Wait, did I just compare Mason Rudolph to Peyton Manning? He’s the new Bengals-killer. Fuck.

I don’t see how this team beats anybody this year. I hope they do, sure, but I can’t see how. I want it for you, I want it for me, I want it for Zac Taylor and the guys in that locker room. I want them to win for everyone except Mike Brown. As long as that liver-spotted-wrinkle-sphincter runs this team, I’m afraid this will be our fate.

Drink up, Bengals fans, and pour one out for this season, because it’s fuckin’ dead.

/end rant

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Written by Andrew Allen

If you enjoy the Drunken Rants, you might enjoy our podcast, too!  Check us out at www.angrysportsguys.com! 

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