Week 14 Rant: This Is Getting Unbearable

GAME 14 DRUNKEN RANT
Chicago Bears (4-8) @ Cincinnati Bengals (5-7)

CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.

/start rant

What did I say last week?

The final nail in the 2018 Cincinnati Bengals Campaign Coffin was hammered down when Andy Dalton himself, was hammered down to the turf with 3 minutes to go in the fourth quarter against Pittsburgh.

Did that look like a team that was interested in winning?

Did that look like a team that was desperately clinging to their playoff hopes?

Did that look like a team trying to save their coach’s job?

Did that look like a team that was interested in even playing one snap of that football game yesterday?

Nah.

Still more watchable than a Bengals game. #INDvsBUF #FireMarvin

A post shared by Cincinnati Problems (@cincyproblems) on Dec 10, 2017 at 10:39am PST

You know what? I’m not even mad. The Cincinnati Bengals have fucking quit on this season and so have I.

For the first time in a long time, 1pm rolled around and I wasn’t at the game nor was I even situated in front of a TV. I was out for brunch. The Bengals might as well have been sitting there with me, because they sure as fuck weren’t at Paul Brown Stadium.

I got home about an hour after kickoff, turned the game on in my kitchen and continued putting around the house; giving little attention to the Zero Ring Shit Circus that was playing out on the TV.

Somewhere in the third quarter (when the game was already well out of reach), I went to the liquor store and picked up a six-pack of Christian Moerlein’s Winter ’77, which I highly recommend; that shit is smooth and tasty. Anyway, I came home, cracked open a can and felt largely unmoved as I watched the Bengals go on to get their dicks stomped off.

If you saw the game, and I’m sorry if you did, you know how that went down. It was as interesting as watching early-season college football, where the perennial powerhouse kicks the shit out of St. Agnus’ Trucking School for The Blind.

The Bengals players don't even look like they want to be out there. Completely disinterested. Burn everything down and rebuild. #FireMarvin

— Cincinnati Problems (@CincyProblems) December 10, 2017

Mascots vs. Peewee is far more entertaining and competitive than that game was and don’t you fucking tell me about the injuries to the defense. I don’t want to fucking hear it.

Mitch “Tom-fuckin’-Brady” Trubisky, who posted a 112.4 QB in a season where he’s averaged 80, dinked and dunked his way down the field, easily picking this defense apart . And when the Bears weren’t beating the Bengals in the air, they were running the ball up their gaping assholes with Jordan Howard.

While the second string defense got worked, the offense didn’t even show up to work. Andy was miserable, going 14 of 29 for 141 yards and a touch. They couldn’t run the ball and AJ Green is having a hard time catching and holding onto the football. The final stat line was all too familiar looking.

14 first downs against 29, 234 yards of offense against 482, 53 offensive plays against 72 and 21:51 TOP against 38:09. The Bears rushed for 232 yards, too.

The most telling stat of the day, though, was 15 minutes.

15 minutes. That was roughly the amount of time I was actually invested in that game, while watching. It wasn’t even frustrating to watch, it felt more like watching Preseason Game 3. It felt like the outcome didn’t matter and it didn’t look like it mattered to them, either.

Don’t get me wrong, I was and never will cheer against the Bengals, but I’m having a hard time cheering for them.

I have a hard time caring. I’ve seen this before; yesterday was just a re-run of many games in the Marvin Lewis era.

So if you feel the same, do yourself a favor and read through this thread – it was the only thing that could make me smile yesterday.

Describe this Bengals Season in one gif. Add the hashtag #FireMarvin

— Elite Andy Dalton (@EvilAndyDalton) December 10, 2017

AJ Green said, after the game, that this loss was “embarrassing”.

Don’t worry AJ, nobody was looking. We all switched over to the Browns game to watch them blow it in OT.

There was one more positive that came out of yesterday’s game – even more people joining the #FireMarvin train.

This. Thinking about organizing a "Finally Free From Marvin" Parade. Dated for the weekend immediately after he gets fired. This could end up being bigger than the Browns parade. #FireMarvin https://t.co/0DxA9pezaz

— Cincinnati Problems (@CincyProblems) December 10, 2017