Week 4 Rant: Thank Christ For The Browns

Browns (0-3) @ Bengals (0-3) | Game 4 Rant

CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.

/start rant

Yay.

It happened.

The Cincinnati Bengals have now played competent football for 6 of the last 8 quarters they’ve participated in!

Which is great for now, but also more than I can say for their first 8 quarters of football the start the year.

The win was nice, don’t get me wrong, but it was the f*cking Cleveland Browns, who I remind you – have won one game in their last twenty attempts.

Can we play the Browns every week? #WhoDey

— Cincinnati Problems (@CincyProblems) October 1, 2017

I do like the fact that they adjusted their offense to what the Browns were doing, which was playing a lot of Cover 2 and giving up a lot underneath.

Great.

Congrats.

They were able to do what literally every other team in the league would do.

Andy looked really good, for the most part, he seemed calm and had some great passes in the pocket.

Perfect pass by Dalton though ??#WHODEY pic.twitter.com/9uhd0wLwF2

— Cincinnati Problems (@CincyProblems) October 1, 2017

.. but even in the midst of people cheering, realize that Dalton was still sacked 3 times. The Bengals are currently on pace to give up 56 sacks on the season, which in football measurements = a metric sh*t ton. This offensive line is still hot garbage with Cedric Ogbuehi being the biggest sack of shit in that heap. There is a serious problem when the guy that you get benched for is best known for this picture:

Jake Fisher isn’t above reproach, either. His first step is about as fast Hugh Hefner’s right now. I swear to God every time I see a replay he’s just out there trying to arm-block the defense end that just blew by him. He has the blocking efficiency of an unattended subway turnstile, with about the same Football IQ. It’s looking more and more like we wasted two fucking picks on those guys.

When’s the last time the Bengals actually nailed the drafting of an offensive tackle? Hell, when’s the last time the Bengals actually hit on an offensive lineman? Zeitler was a fucking softball of a pick, it was nearly impossible to fuck that one up.

Bodine is a joke. My favorite Russell Bodine moment actually came earlier this season, when THIS happened:

Gooood times.

Okay I know, I know, I’m being really negative on the heels of a dominant victory. Wins are hard to get in the NFL, you can only play the teams on your schedule, etcetera, etcetera and more canned coach bullshit..

But this offensive line is a serious problem and it’s been a serious problem ever since Big Whit and Zeitler left for greener pastures this offseason. It’s not just pass protection, either, they can’t fucking run block and that’s supposed to be the easiest part of the job.

You wanted Joe Mixon to be the feature back and now he is, leading the team in carries by-far, but take a guess at what his YPC is. Go ahead.

It’s 2.6. Two-point-fucking-six.

He has the lowest YPC on the team aside from Alex Erickson, who has one carry for 2 yards. Even Andy Spaghetti-legs Dalton is averaging 3.8!

Andy Dalton also leads the Bengals in rushing yards with 29.. pic.twitter.com/c9iYasXZF5

— Cincinnati Problems (@CincyProblems) October 1, 2017

There aren’t any All-Pro tackles just sitting at home, waiting for a phone call. This is what we have, so the question is, can they win with these guys?

Maybe.

Probably not.

If there’s going to be any hope for this season, they absolutely must win the next two games against a surprisingly spry Buffalo Bills team and my favorite team and yours, the Pittsburgh Steelers.

That’s a tall order. So, for now, sit back, relax, crack open a frosty brew or two and enjoy this win, because you may not be doing a lot of that this year.