Week 16 Rant: Home For The Holidays

GAME 16 DRUNKEN RANT
Detroit Lions (8-6) @ Cincinnati Bengals (6-8)

CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.

/start rant

You know what?

Fuck it. I’ll take it.

I’ll take a win in a lost fucking season, God knows I’ve had to do it plenty of times before and a win for Christmas is even sweeter. And don’t you fucking start with that ‘lose to get a better draft pick’ bullshit.

You can cram that right up your coal sock.

Who Dey.

Sure, there were almost more Lions fans there than Bengals fans – and people couldn’t give the damn tickets away. But in an unprecedented last ditch effort to kill some Detroit playoff dreams… the Bengals actually showed some life.

Last Bengals home game of the year and the tailgate scene looks like this… ? (via @pauldehnerjr) #RestoretheRoar #FireMarvin

A post shared by Cincinnati Problems (@cincyproblems) on Dec 24, 2017 at 8:07am PST

Bengals fans asking the real questions. #RestoretheRoar #Bengals50 pic.twitter.com/MJsxRiEjHY

— Cincinnati Problems (@CincyProblems) December 24, 2017

That said, in a game that should have provided some answers, we are left with more questions; most notably ‘Why in the ever-living fuck did it take until Week 16 to get snaps for Alex Redmond and Christian Westerman on this garbage offensive line?’.

On a day where Clint Bowling played out of position (moved from LG to LT) and two guys got their first NFL snaps, the Cincinnati Bengals offensive line had arguably their best day of this shit ass season.

That’s on you, Paul Alexander.

I don’t give a fuck that these guys were late round picks and UDFA, it’s YOUR job to put the best players on the field. I can’t believe we’ve had to watch Cedric Ogbuehi spend half the season picking his jock up off the field while these two were riding the pine.

Get the fuck out of here with that shit, Paul. It’s been that way all season! Eight weeks ago Paul Alexander was dismantled and his ineptitude exposed by Cincinnati’s greatest football mind. Me. Still stands today.

Just look at how PFF graded out Redmond’s performance:

In spite of the obvious lack of offensive line coaching, that rag-tag team of shit-eating-dick-kickers went out there and plowed the fucking roads for my man Giovani Bernard. That’s right, Gio is still on this team and I’m sure Bill Lazor will have plenty of free time this offseason to figure out why it took him this long to use Gio correctly. It’s baffling how our offensive coaching staff manages to do so little with so much.

Fuckin’ Jungler for Bengals OC 2018:

You like throwing the fuckin’ ball?
We’ll throw the fuckin’ ball.
You like running the ball?
We’ll do that shit, too.

Make my football team great again!

Anyway, in a game that meant everything for one team and nothing for the other, the guys who had nothing to play for came out with all the fight and spirit. Sure would’ve been nice to see this fire from them all season, though, but I guess that’s not on the head coach, right Marv?

Side Note: Defend Marvin all you want using the “remember how bad it was before he got here” argument. Noted. Doesn’t change the results. You’re the problem, and shut up.

This one stings:

Back in 2003, Marvin Lewis took over a Bengals team that had only 5 playoff wins in franchise history.

In 2017, after 15 years, Marvin Lewis will leave a Bengals team that has only 5 playoff wins in franchise history.

— Elite Andy Dalton (@EvilAndyDalton) December 17, 2017

Back to the game… I even saw AJ Green taking some time away from dropping passes yesterday, to make some plays and throw out some ‘first down’ signals. Hell yeah, AJ! Whatever! It doesn’t mean shit for the 2017 campaign, but it’s nice to be reminded that these guys can play when they want to.

And put your fuckin’ hand down, Fat Randy, I haven’t forgotten about you. You glorious, jelly-filled tub of field-goal-kicking wizardry; get your giblets over here and claim your Game Ball!

The Bengals had been the only team to not attempt a 50 yard+ field goal this year and in a ‘hold-my-beer’ moment, Bengals legend Fat Randy said ‘Nah. No more.’ and trotted out onto the field atop his God given, football-kickin’-canon legs.

A hush fell over the fifteen thousand Bengals faithful.

Tendrils of bacon grease clung to his chins, his Pace Maker firing on all cylinders as he waited for his moment.

The signal.

The snap.

The kick.

GOOOOOOOOOOOD!

Fuck yeah! Get that man a beer and an oxygen tank. We’re not counting calories tonight, boys!

For at least one week, in a festive and fun time of year, I enjoyed watching the Cincinnati Bengals play football. It doesn’t amount to much, but I’ll take it.

Finally, this is a few days late, but from The Jungler household to yours: