Week 10-12 Super Rant: Drunk In Hate

Reykjavik, Fat Randy, & A Sh*tload of Rum

Joe Robbins/Getty Images


/start rant

Yeah yeah, I know..

So I’m 3 weeks late on my rants, but you know what else?

Shut up.

Let’s get down to it.  Three games, three heaps of sh*t to sift through. Grab your shovels, boys.


The Tennessee Titans

Let’s go back to the beginning.

I watched bits of this game with my girlfriend at an American bar in Reykjavik, Iceland – sandwiched between sh*t-talking Houston Texans fans and a booze-soaked Englishman named Todd.  Todd is the embodiment of intoxication and I hope that Todd is still alive.  He pissed off the most Russian Russians by trying to include them in his good times. They were not amused.

This is why you’re the bad guys in all the movies, Russians!  Lighten up!

At any rate, the game was on Red Zone, so I only got to see the streaks left on the side of the toilet bowl, not the actual sh*t.  

I remember AJ Green deciding that he wanted to win the game late in the 4th quarter, Fat Randy missing an extra point, a couple of allowed strip-sacks and the defense letting the Titans march right up their dicks for the game-winning touchdown.  I feel like that last sentence is all-encompassing of the Bengals 2017 football campaign.  

Oh and don’t forget about Burfict getting ejected for breathing.

The most memorable thing that came from this game was Marvin Lewis sh*tting on John Ross afterwards.  This was the moment where I started to believe that Marvin wants to get fired.  You f*cking serious, Marvin?  You have an offensive line that can’t block for sh*t, a linebacker who got ejected from that game and Fat-F*cking-Randy missing kicks, but you sh*t on your rookie first rounder for a bad route?  

F*ck you, Marv. F*ck you.


The Denver Broncos

The Bengals beat the Broncos?..

Is the season saved?!..

Calm your tits, this wasn’t a “good win”, but Andy Dalton managed to do what everyone’s f*cking man-crush AJ McCarron couldn’t do; beat the Brock Lobster.  

I’m not going to go down that AJ McCarron rabbit hole, but if the Bengals thought he was better than Andy, they wouldn’t have tried to trade him to the most incompetent football team on the planet.  Andy is the man, deal with it.

Anyways…  Aside from Dre Kirkpatrick nearly doing the most Bengal thing ever, this game was boring as f*ckkkk.  

The offense sputtered to the tune of 190 yards and only 12 first downs. The defense allowed the Broncos to march up and down the field. Fat Randy missed yet another PAT. and in Breaking News; water is wet.  

The Broncos ran 26 more offensive plays than the Bengals (52/79), out-gained them 190 to 341 and out-possessed them 24:49 to 35:11.  

Good win?

Tell me what the f*ck I’m supposed to be excited about by barely beating a 3-8 Broncos team.


The Most Incompetent Football Team On The Planet

Also known as the Cleveland Browns.  

Listen, the Bengals were always going to win this game. It didn’t matter what they did.

The Browns aren’t just “bad”, they’re unequivocally beyond explanation.  

“Browns Last Win” Clock ?? #GraphicOfTheYear #PoorBrowns

A post shared by Cincinnati Problems (@cincyproblems) on

A lot of people were labeling this a “trap game”.  No, traps sometimes catch things; Cleveland Browns receivers do not.

In a turn of events from the entire season thus far, the Bengals took care of business and kept this game largely uninteresting.  We finally got to see Joe Mixon do some Joe Mixon sh*t thanks to some decent play from the offensive line.

Yes, the defense still worries me, but they played well enough to win and pop the f*cking champagne,

Fat Randy didn’t miss any kicks and Bodine’s dumb ass tackled Mixon into the end-zone.

Yay. What a winning formula.


Playoff Bound?

Through all of this, the orange-n-black men currently sit at 5-6 and are alive in the playoff hunt of the Dumpster Fire that is the entire AFC.

Next up is Pittsburgh looming on Monday Night.  

Do I think the Bengals will win?  No.  

Do I hope they’ll win?  F*ck yes I do!  

I’ll be there. I’ll be loud. (And you know I’ll be damn drunk!) 

The Steelers Suck. Always and Forever. 

Who Dey!

/end rant

Look for more Drunken Bengals Postgame Rants All Season From THE JUNGLER


Written by Andrew Allen

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