GAME 13 DRUNKEN RANT
Pittsburgh Steelers (9-2) @ Cincinnati Bengals (5-6)
CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.
/start rant
Marvin Lewis cannot be the head coach of the Cincinnati Bengals in 2018.
I’m not saying that he won’t, I’m saying that he can’t.
- ONE WIN in the last nine match-ups.
- TWO WINS in the last eighteen games in PBS.
- EIGHT WINS in thirty-two attempts in the Marvin Lewis Era.
It stops there. It has to. I can’t do it anymore, I can’t fucking stand it anymore.
For thirty-three years.. ever since I came screaming into this world, I have poured my heart and soul into this shit heap of a football franchise and for thirty-three fucking years they have found new and creative ways to disappoint me.
You did it, Bengals. You finally did it.
You fucking broke me.
Kimo Von Oelhoffen didn’t do it. T.J. Yates didn’t do it. The Jets didn’t.
The Chargers, the Colts and the Steelers didn’t do it either.
You did.
You did it because you allowed all of those things happen and you didn’t change. You never got any better. Players have come and gone, but the constant through all of this has been the ownership and the coach and Mike Brown isn’t going fucking anywhere. Marvin Lewis is the second longest tenured coach in the NFL, only behind Bill Belichick, who has 5 fucking Super Bowls.
Marvin has seven playoff losses in as many attempts, an 8-30 record in prime-time games and a .250 winning percentage against the model franchise in the AFC North. To be the best, you have to beat the best and Marvin has had 15 mind-fucking years to do that and, to put it extremely lightly, he has simply come up short.
15 years is long enough.
Now, about that game…
How in the ever-loving Christ do you lose a game where you’re leading 17 to fucking zilch with 32 seconds remaining in the second quarter? Who is capable of doing that aside from this fucking team? What in the fuck was rolling around in those douchenoggins that sit atop the necks of our coach and coordinators? How do you only manage 3 fucking points in the second half?
That is unfuckingbelievable.
— Cincinnati Problems (@CincyProblems) December 5, 2017
It’s completely unfuckingbelievable, but also – it’s not. Bengals fans know better. Hell, as I was standing there in the rain watching the Bengals hold a 17-3 lead at the half I looked over to my buddy and predicted that they’d blow it.
And blow they did.
You could see it coming, like an avalanche of shit cascading down Fuck You Mountain. The slow, agonizing grind of Bengals 3 and outs followed by methodical Steelers drives while the game clock slowly ticked away. It’s a familiar narrative with few deviations, but we were treated to a couple of surprises! Like Evans and Will Jax running up to Le’Veon Bell on the sideline, but opting not to touch him and instead watch him race 35 more yards into the end zone. That was fucking neat.
Oh! How about the fact that we set a franchise record in fucking penalties? 13 penalties for 173 yards. That shit is lit, as the kids would say.
What else? Oh right, JuJu Smith-Schuster Vontaze Burfict’d Vontaze Burfict and somehow wasn’t ejected from the game.
How the HELL does JuJu not get ejected for this??? @NFL #MNF pic.twitter.com/Epvevgh5ey
— Cincinnati Problems (@CincyProblems) December 5, 2017
Two players carted off, two players suspended and zero Bengals wins.
Not to mention all the inevitable fights in the stadium/parking lot.
The 2018 Cincinnati Bengals season ended when Andy Dalton took a sack on third down with 3 minutes left in the game. I don’t care about the fucking Chicago Bears. I don’t care if they lose the rest of their games. There’s only one thing that I care about..
Change.
/end rant
Look for more Drunken Bengals Postgame Rants All Season From THE JUNGLER
