Week 3 Rant: Touchdowns & OT Heartbreak

Bengals (0-2) @ Packers (1-1) | Game 3 Rant

CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.

/start rant

But I would drive 500 miles..

And I would drive 500 more..

Just to be the man who drove a thousand miles..

To watch the Bengals score..

Da-da-da-DUMB..

DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DIDDLE UN DIDDLE UN DIDDLE F*CKING DUMB.

Before I rip into what the f*ck went wrong with that game, I’d like to say a few nice things about the city of Green Bay:

Lambeau Field
Cheese Curds
Lambeau Field

Now that’s out of the way, just…why? Just f*cking why?

Why can’t we have nice things?

I am so f*cking sick and tired of losing games like this. I’d rather the Bengals get their doors blown off than to allow me to stand there like a complete imbecile in Lambeau Field, which apparently is situated on the f*cking sun (but seriously that was the hottest regular season game recorded at Lambeau Field in Packers history). Not even the 90 degree “Autumn” practices in Cincinnati could help us overcome the Packers out of their element in their melting, defrosted tundra.

I’d rather stab myself in the thigh with a prison shiv then have to stand there in my Black & Orange drunkenly screaming Bengals Growl at the top of my lungs like a dumb sh*t – grinning and starting to experience an ounce of joy and just to have it all ripped away as I’m left staring blankly at the scoreboard.

I knew we were in the sh*t once Fat Randy missed that field goal. I’d like to say that I’m surprised, but I’m not.

That game (and this whole damn Season) is the embodiment of the life of a Bengals fan.

It’s just one disappointment after another until college basketball rolls around, then it’s one disappointment after another until baseball season rolls around, which brings more disappointment until, you guessed it, football season rolls back around.

But it’s not just the Bengals, it’s Cincinnati sports in general. It’s deflating and I’m in love with perennial losers.

Anyway…

So that was a fun game, huh? For about 59 minutes, at least.

For 59 minutes I think I felt what fans of other teams get to feel…

Joy..

Hope..

Optimism without a surprise catch..

Seems like a nice thing, but the Bengals did what they always manage to do and ushered me back into the warm embrace of depression. They manage to lose in the most creative and increasingly infuriating new ways; to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

It’s easy to focus on the 3rd and 10 defensive meltdown that led to the game-winning field goal, but there’s a larger issue that we’ve been dealing with for 14 years now – coaching.

Specifically a complete and total lack of halftime and in-game adjustments. How the f*ck can you only manage 3 points in the second half? How can you continually have issues with the defense giving up 3rd down conversions because of stupid f*cking penalties? How can clock management still be an issue?

But hey.. THREE TOUCHDOWNS!? F*CKING FINALLY!

0-3 start.

This team is lost and confused and, unfortunately, Marvin Lewis is our Sherpa on the hike up Sh*t Mountain.