Week 14 Rant: Marvin Marvin Marvin

How can you still not know when to call a goddamn timeout?!

AP Photo

Cincinnati Bengals (5-7) vs San Diego Chargers (9-3)


/start rant

This is getting fucking painful.

Seriously, for five goddamn weeks in a row I’ve had to sit here and hammer out the same bullshit about the same bullshit team that, for whatever fucking reason, we all love (or at least love to hate).  I want to love them, I really do. But this ain’t it, chief.

What makes this week even more difficult, though, is that they actually had a chance to win that game.  Hell, you could even argue that they should have won that game, but when it came down to it, the Bengals did what the Bengals fucking do.

Jeff Driskel had as many incompletions as Philip Rivers has children — nine.

There’s your “Next Gen” stat, you fucking nerds.  Got to hand it to J.D., he played well enough to win and I don’t care what you say, he got fucking robbed on that touchdown run.  I mean, seriously – they call it a touchdown, then reverse the call based on a camera angle where a defender’s leg was covering the nose of the ball – making it impossible to determine whether or not it crossed the front of the white line.

I would say that I was surprised, but after all we’ve seen, how can I be?  We are the ol’ reliable slump buster buried deep on the ref’s contact list; stumbling home and lonely, he calls the Bengals for a guaranteed fuck and won’t even leave cab fare on the night stand the next morning.

Even the Bengals deserve to be loved.  Well, maybe not by us, but somebody.

Holy Christ, call a priest, Bill Lazor has been possessed by the ghost of Bob Bratkowski – Giovani Bernard and Joe Mixon were on the field at the same time.  What a revelation, what a fucking discovery, what a time to be alive. Step aside Galileo, eat a bag of shit Alexander Flemming, “Big Dick” Bill and his fucking super-charged goldfish brain found that putting the last two (healthy) good players on your team in the same play is a good idea.

I honestly don’t remember what the result of the play was, I was too busy steadying my ass back onto the bar stool to notice, but how does it take this fucking long to get those two backs on the field at the same time?

Marvin continues to remember to forget, like a backwards fucking elephant.

For the third week in a row, Marvin Lewis has conveniently forgotten the answer to an important question asked in his Monday presser.  Here’s the question, straight from the transcript:



His answer:



“If”!?  If you needed it to score!?

You’re down two fucking points at the end of the game with a two point conversion looming, an offense that looks confused and a quarterback making his second NFL start – take the fucking timeout!  Isn’t that what Hue is here for?  Isn’t he here to help manage the sideline since you’re too busy fucking up the defense!?  What could you possibly be working on that’s more important than that fucking play right there?  What in the ever-loving Christ is wrong with you!?

You don’t remember why it took you so long to get “configured”?  Isn’t that what fucking practice is for?  Do you practice a two point conversion play, or are you so goddamn certain that you won’t make it into the end zone that you don’t even bother?

This.  This right here is why Marvin Lewis and his entire staff need to go.

#FireMarvin – If he’s here another year, these things are about to be a lot more drunk than rant.

Alright, time to go to my happy place….



Ah, yessss….


Bottoms up boys and girls, there’s 3 more weeks of The Marvin and Mikey Circus: The Least Interesting Show on Turf.

/end rant

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Written by Andrew Allen

If you enjoy the Drunken Rants, you might enjoy our podcast, too!  Check us out at www.angrysportsguys.com! 

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