Week 7 Rant: Cue The Marvin Face

GAME 7 DRUNKEN RANT
Cincinnati Bengals (4-2) @ Kansas City Chiefs (5-1)

CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.

/start rant

Mood. pic.twitter.com/EUsmGSWcy1

— Cincinnati ? (@CincyProblems) October 22, 2018

Fire everyone. Burn it to the fucking ground.

Alright, let me compose myself here.

I don’t even know where to start. If I do start, I don’t know where I’ll be able to stop.

I actually went to K.C. to witness that fucking disaster.

Jesus H. tap-dancing Christ, it was like watching a train full of sick puppies and kittens smash into a children’s hospital.

What a fiasco, what a goddamn travesty.

I saw a guy at the game drink Fireball whiskey out of his boot.

I can’t really dive into the stats, because you have to fucking do something to show up on the stat sheet. You don’t need numbers to tell this story, though, all you had to do was watch.

The Kansas City Chiefs were faster, more aggressive, more prepared and just flat-out better.

That’s not to say that the Bengals lack talent, I actually think this is a really talented team, but holy fuck they were out-schemed and out-coached in every phase of the game.

Cue the “Marvin Face”.

#MarvinFace pic.twitter.com/JpeDTtLALo

— Cincinnati ? (@CincyProblems) October 22, 2018

I didn’t expect the defense to pitch a shutout against Patrick Maholyfuckishegood, but slowing them down would have been nice.

The Kansas City Chiefs did not punt a single time in that game. That’s college football shit right there.

There were no adjustments whatsoever. It’s pretty fucking sad when the half-lit Bengals fan in the stands can watch the Chiefs line up and know exactly where the ball was going.

How many fucking times did they adjust the play to match Tyreek Hill against Shaun Williams? And how many times did the Bengals adjust to get the right coverage? Fucking zero, by my count.

Even when the defense miraculously found themselves in a position to stop a play, they’d whiff on the tackle or Travis Kelce would truck them into the goddamn dirt with a stiff arm that sent a ripple of boners flowing across Bearcat Nation.

Tyreek Hill and Kareem Hunt are the fastest human beings I’ve watched with my own eyes.

What the hell am I supposed to say about that “performance” by the offense? Way to show up against the worst fucking defense in the league, boys. I spent Friday and Saturday convincing the locals that the Chiefs were in for more of a game than they think.

I am one stupid motherfucker. What a sad, anemic, soft-dicked outing.

Just stay on the goddamn plane if you’re going to play like that.

If you’re not worried about the offense yet, you should be. They managed just 10 points against the Dolphins, 21 against a bad Steelers defense and, of course, 10 fucking points against the league’s worst in Kansas City.

Oh, tell me if you’ve heard this before, John Ross is hurt. Do you know who was picked right after John Ross in the 2017 NFL Draft? I’ll give you one hint, his name rhymes with Batrick Bahomes.

Andy was bad. He looked like a red-headed Nathan Peterman out there. The “Red ROFL”.

0-7 on Sunday Night Football in a league that practically guarantees parity. Fuck me running.

If you find yourself in Kansas City, get some burnt ends from a place called Q39. Fucking religion.

Like most fans, I play the “schedule game” where I go through each game and chalk it up as a win or a loss. I don’t feel comfortable assuming the Bengals will beat anybody, anymore.

I know it’s only Week 8, but I think the entire rest of the season hinges on this game against Tampa Bay.

You have to fucking win this game. You cannot be 4-4 going into the bye with the Saints waiting on the other side.

Speaking of, did you see Justin Tucker miss that PAT? Hahahaaaaa, dick.

Who Dey.