Off-season Rant: Bengals In Uncharted Waters

I don’t know what to do with my hands.

AP Photo



/start rant

It’s been a few weeks, Bengals fans. I know you’ve missed me, and I’ve finally managed to rip myself from this crippling sobriety and rush back into the welcoming embrace of the bottle to provide one more drunken rant to send you into the off-season.

There’s no sense in recapping the final few weeks of that miserable fucking season; the Bengals stumbled across the finish line and into post-season irrelevance.  The team had clearly quit on their coach, which led to the most shocking development in the last decade and a half in Cincinnati sports; they fired Marvin Lewis. It wasn’t a dream. Say it with me.

They fired..



Fuck yeah!  Throw that long overdue, goddamned parade!  Ticker tape, bitches!  Champagne!  Hookers!  Fire emojis!

Okay, great.  The Bengals made one, obvious, cannot-miss decision; then they had to avoid fucking it all up in the form of hiring Hue Jackson and could you believe it?  The Bengals didn’t fuck up twice in a row!

Whoa!  We’re in uncharted waters here, folks!

Enter Zac Taylor.

No, in rolls Zac Taylor straight outta your DMs and into your heart; three piece suit and lookin’ fly AF.  We’ve known for weeks that Zac was our guy, but we finally got to make it official with his introductory press conference, where they came hot out of the gate with the Fat Crypt Keeper droning on about NFL rules considering hiring a coach that’s actively coaching with another team.  I mean, seriously Mike, way to bring the fuckin’ energy by slowly navigating the NFL rules landscape like a goddamn battleship through the desert.

There was something interesting, though, that rolled from the maw of All-Encompassing Disappointment:

“Zac has as a goal to take the Bengals to the top in the National Football League. That’s what all of our fans want, and that’s what all of our players want. Having said enough, I’m going to turn this over to Zac…”

Whoa, whoa, whoa – hold up there Mr. Magoo.  Fans, check.  Players, check.  What the fuck about YOU!?  There, laying in front of you, was an opportunity to tell your fan base that YOU want the Bengals to be at the top of the league.  How the fuck do you whiff on that!?

Fuckin’ sit down Mikey boy, let the adults speak.

I’m not going to go over everything Zac said, you can read the transcript here, but the man certainly sounds like he has a very clear vision of what he expects out of his staff and players.  There were certain themes that were repeated throughout his bit, using words like “culture”, “communication”, “high standards” and “energy”.

Stop, STOP!  I can only get so hard.

The Bengals get bashed both locally and nationally, unfairly I might add, about a culture that simply hasn’t been the case here for damn near a decade, but it’s refreshing to hear a press conference without giggles, belittling the local media and offering the usual buffet of bullfuckery that we’ve been served up for the last 16 years.

The winds of change, they are a-blowin’.

Speaking of blowing, Jeremy Hill can go blow a _______. See, I’m making the off-season fun by adding Mad Libs and making these rants interactive. Fill in the blank and finish your beer.

Who Dey to the New Dey!

Edit: “Culture”. “Character”. Jim Turner.

*pours shot of Fireball and turns off brain*

/end rant

Look for more Drunken Bengals Postgame Rants All Season.

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Written by Andrew Allen

If you enjoy the Drunken Rants, you might enjoy our podcast, too!  Check us out at! 

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