POST-GAME DRUNKEN RANT
Cincinnati Bengals (0-0) vs Seattle Seahawks (0-0)
CAUTION: DRUNKEN EXPLETIVE-FILLED RANT ABOUT THE BENGALS FOLLOWS.
/start rant
I’m back, Bengals fans! New football season, New Dey, new me; drunker and angrier than ever. Number one in your hearts, number two in your pants.
Hey, pat yourself on the back, too. You survived another off-season! You may disappoint your parents, but I’m proud of you. Look at you. You’re a beautiful butterfly.
Alright, let’s crack open a beer and dive into this pile of shit.
We’ll start with some stats, you tell me which team won the game.
1st Downs:
- Team A: 22
- Team B: 12
Total Yards:
- Team A: 429
- Team B: 233
Time of Possession:
- Team A: 35:50
- Team B: 24:10
Clearly Team A won the game, right? WRONG YOU SILLY BITCH!
Of course the Bengals would dominate in every statistical category except for the fucking scoreboard. What a frustrating game. It was theirs to take and they just couldn’t get their hands around it.
New Dey. Same results.
The offense was an absolute cock tease. Three Red Zone trips that resulted in zero points, a missed field goal by our favorite grease-soaked-manburger and a turnover on downs where they failed to convert 3rd and 1 and 4th and 1 in Seattle territory. You’re not going to get many opportunities to score in that environment so you sure-as-shit need to get points when you can.
John Ross apparently has two gears; ‘hands of fucking stone’ or ‘SportsCenter Top 10’. Oh, Jesus Christ, he’s the Adam Dunn of football.
Donkey.
Despite playing behind a line with more holes than Kurt Co- (you know what.. *sips*.. not going there), Dalton managed to set a single-game career high for passing yards with 418 on 35/51 attempts.
NFL passing leaders so far for Week 1:
• Andy Dalton, 418 (Career High)
• Dak Prescott, 405
• Matthew Stafford, 385
• Case Keenum, 380
• Pat Mahomes, 378
• Tom Brady, 341
• Philip Rivers, 333
• Lamar Jackson, 324
• Carson Wentz, 313? @EvilAndyDalton | #SeizeTheDEY pic.twitter.com/hcmqfsYtSj
— Cincinnati ? (@CincyProblems) September 9, 2019
Smells like Team Spirit.
It wasn’t all roses for our Ginger Jesus, however. He was sacked 5 times and HOLY FUCK SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THIS ISN’T AN INCOMPLETE PASS:
It's an incomplete pass. 100%. pic.twitter.com/YSbPPdCZTW
— Elite Andy Dalton (@EvilAndyDalton) September 8, 2019
On what planet is that a fumble!? There is no way in HELL that’s a fumble for any other team. And they came back from review and confirmed it?! The only thing confirmed for me this weekend is the league is fuckin’ fixed. AB to the Patriots? Get outta here. R I G G E D.
Boomin’.
Okay, okay, I have to give credit where credit is due. The defense played exceptionally well front to back. They generated pressure, held the reigning league-leading rushing offense to just 72 yards and racked up 4 sacks against one of the most elusive quarterbacks in the league. I thought the coaching staff game-planned their balls off. They were creative, aggressive and adjusted to what the Seahawks were giving and taking away. Haven’t seen that shit in Cincinnati in quite some time.
*chuckles in Marvin Lewis*
At the end of the day, the first game of the Zac Taylor era showed a lot of promise. Also at the end of the day, the Bengals are 0-1.
Well, at least we have the Bearca-…aw. 🙁
/end rant
Look for more Drunken Bengals Postgame Rants All Season.
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